This piece is a response to a prompt from my writing group. We were to write about the sayings our parents might have shared with us growing up. As today is the fifteenth anniversary of Maman's death, I thought I'd share her wisdom with you. Thank you in advance for reading.
Of Maman, Adages, and Awareness
Yvette Beutel
Today, the fifteenth anniversary of her death, I am recalling the dictons, the sayings, my mother bequeathed to me. The coincidence of the day and the writing subject shadows my thinking. Like the snowstorm that will accompany me throughout my day today, the pithy aphorisms in Maman’s bountiful catalogue, dispersed with largesse to my sister and me, swirl in the echo chamber of my brain.
Opportunities for teachable moments abounded. After-schools were fertile ground. When we got off the school bus in front of Marcel’s Autobody next door, we sat around our kitchen table, Maman with her ubiquitous cup of coffee, my sister and I with a glass of milk or juice and a cookie, chatting about the day, hers and ours. She might interject, now and again, in the daily sharing of our stories, or pause while listing the highlights of her day, such as they may have been, aware of generational wisdom to be imparted, and then pull out the appropriate maxim from her collection. Deployment frequency of any particular adage correlated with the degree of universal applicability to a range of situations. To any description of verbal or physical malfeasance, she would invariably say, “Quand tu craches en l’air, ça te retombe sur le nez,” or, literally, When you spit up in the air, it falls back on your nose. So, in this much more graphic and populist articulation of karma, we were to learn that what goes around comes around. Things you do or say will come back to bite you or to help you, and you can take consolation that, inevitably, the same principle will bring others their comeuppance or their reward. That immutable law of life having certainly played out in my life, I have, in turn, bequeathed it to my own children, both the original French vernacular, and the karmaic iteration.
Other times, we would sit around the sewing room watching Maman weave her magic through her current sewing project. While her deft fingers eased a sleeve around an armhole to the purring of the machine, she would relate experiences from her own multi-faceted life to our eager ears. As she tucked the circle of fabric over the metal round of the button cover and into its bottom case, she would digress into complicated family stories that offered occasions for commentary on the importance of sound relationship decisions. Working next on the complex bound opening for the button, she would choose the saying of the day, maybe Dis-moi qui tu fréquentes, et je te dirai qui tu es. Tell me who you associate with, and I’ll tell you things about your character. Ah, so that was the take-away nugget. Be conscious of the influence of your associates on your own person and on your life.
I’m fairly certain that my mother, in sharing this dictum, was thinking of whom we might choose as acquaintances or friends, maybe even spouses. As I reflect on this principle today, I wonder if she ever thought of it as I have been prompted to, as a tool of agency. The associations I choose, the groups or the individuals, directly or indirectly, shape me and my world in two ways. First, the individuals with whom I interact and the situations in which I am involved give me insights into different ways of thinking about life. I am constantly reflecting and learning. On another level altogether, though, in selecting those individuals and situations, I am also making a statement about my values and my worldview. If I make a point of sitting beside someone who is regularly shunned, and then initiating a conversation with that person, I give a message. So does where I choose to offer my time. These actions can be more eloquent than any spoken message, which leads to another adage, A picture (read, action) is worth a thousand words.
These days, I wonder what the precept Maman quoted us that day at the sewing machine might mean in the larger societal context. Our decisions communicate our values—our reactions to worldviews categorically different from our own, issues we take to heart and are ready to stand up for, political parties we support and individuals we elect to be our leaders. Even nominally insignificant actions like where we shop or how we approach the personnel who support us daily communicate meaning.
Awareness is the intention here, not judgment. Being conscious of the import of our actions helps us live more consequential lives. Although it’s probable that Maman’s advice on associations could be applied in judgment, rightness or wrongness is irrelevant. The valuable lesson Maman bequeathed to us is recognition of the power our actions have, both in our own lives and in the world. Personal agency through daily decisions inevitably drives both individual and societal change. Hopefully, we are conscious of that power.
